Super-Heroics

Well, it's almost a week later, and Nathan's no different.  I don't even know if that's good or bad.   I don't seem to know much about anything at the moment.  I mean, I don't want him to suffer; if he's just gonna be stuck as a human vegetable for the rest of his life, then, well...that's no way to live, it's not what he would want.  But at the same time, I need him.  I-I don't know who I am without him.  I mean, I /know/ - I'm Peter Petrelli, former nurse, human sponge, family disappointment, the one who is supposed to save the world.  But...it's like there's something /missing/, some part of me just isn't there.  Even when I was in Ireland, and had no clue who I was, I never felt truly...whole.  And the minute I remembered Nathan, it was like, "oh, so /that's/ why I feel that way."  And then when I found him again, it was like everything was going to be okay again, 'cuz I had Nathan back.  But now I'm back to square one.  I don't even have Adam to keep me company any more, as much of a maniuplative bastard as he was.  The cop was here for a day or so, but after Nathan didn't seem to be getting any better he went back to New York.  My mother's here, took the first plane out to Odessa the minute she heard, but she's not much company either; she just keeps giving me alternating looks of incredulity that I'm not dead and glares like she thinks it's my fault that Nathan's in a coma.  And maybe it is; like I said, I don't know much of anything these days.  

"You tried to do the right thing. You always do. You trust that people are as good as you are. But if you see yourself as a monster, this guilt is just going to eat you up inside. Believe me, I know."  That was one of the last things Nathan said to me.  I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, like he said to, but...It's hard not to; if I hadn't been there, if I hadn't let Adam manipulate me into breaking us out of the facility, finding that woman, getting the address of the warehouse, opening the door...Then maybe things wouldn't have ended the way they did.  And I'm not seeing myself as a monster, or at least, I'm trying not to, but the fact remains that I've almost killed two people with my bare hands, one who might have been a bad guy but wouldn't have deserved it, and the other who was a friend, just trying to do the right thing, save the world, just like what I thought I was doing.  Instead I led the /real/ bad guy straight to the virus like a chump.  It doesn't matter that I thought I was doing good, thought that I was helping; why the hell did I trust a guy I barely knew over people I'd saved the world with, why did it take my brother asking if we were on different sides to make me realize what was really going on?

At least in Ireland I had Caitlin.  God, I miss her.  She's okay now, I hope; the virus was destroyed, so I don't have to worry about her getting sick anymore, which is good.  But...I can't /get/ to her.  Believe me, I've tried.  I've tried until I gave myself a headache, until my nose started to bleed with the strain, until I almost passed out because of the effort.  But...no matter how hard I try, I can't do any more than go there for an instant, just long enough to open my eyes and see that I'm there before I'm forced back here.  I'm...starting to forget bits and pieces of her, little things that you don't really notice until they're gone.  Like the wasy she smiles, a secret smile that makes you feel like it's only for you and no one else, and so you feel a little jealous when she smiles at someone else even though you know you shouldn't.  Like the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs, as if she found another meaning to a joke that you missed and she's just waiting for you to find it so you can laugh too.  Like the way she teases you and you get so riled up about it and pretend to be all offended, but secretly you don't mind 'cuz the grin she gives you is just too cute to resist.  I can't lose her too, I just /can't/; it'd be too much.  What, am I not allowed to be happy?  Did I do something wrong, something so bad that whatever greater power is out there just can't wait to take anything I really care about away from me?

This is what I really meant to share when I started typing; I'm not really sure what happened, I guess I just got carried away.  Anyway, it's another one of those 9th Wonders comics, this time about Caitlin, or Cailtin and me if you really want to be technical.  It's about how she helped me get control of Elle's ability, the electricity one.  Again, I'm sure most of you have already seen it, I just ran across it on the internet again today, and it got me to thinking, and I figured I'd share it.

Everything goes to hell.  I'm not sure how much sense this post is going to make...I'm not exactly...clearheaded at the moment.  But I need to get this all out right now.  I'll start from the beginning.

So the virus is destroyed.  Like everyone kept telling me, Adam wasn't who he said he was; he was trying to release the virus, and was using me as a means to do it, since I could get to the virus and he couldn't.  I can't believe I didn't see it, I mean, all the signs were /right there/, but I just wanted him to be like me and wanted to help the world so badly that I just...ignored them, saw them as proof of the level of his intent, proof that he was sincere.  Even when he killed that woman, I just...let it go, didn't say anything else about it other than questioning if it was really necessary, didn't look to see if there was an ulterior motive, nothing.  What kind of a hero am I?  I mean, Nathan said...Seriously, what kind of a hero doesn't even realize that he's /helping/ the bad guy?  And I seriously told Hiro and Matt that they were on the wrong side!  /They/ were the ones trying to stop it from happening, if Nathan hadn't...If I hadn't realized that Adam was just using me to get to the virus, and if I hadn't stopped time when I did...what I saw in New York would have happened.  And it would have been all my fault.  And to make things worse, I could have killed Hiro, probably would have if Matt hadn't shown up and distracted me.  It was Will all over again...

And Nathan...It's all over the news.  I had to turn off the TV 'cuz it was making me sick.  They just keep showing the footage over and over again...Don't they have any respect?  I mean...I don't want to turn on the TV and have to watch it happen again and again as someone just sits there and /talks/ about it like they know anything about it...I was there, I know what it was like.  I've washed my hands about a dozen times already and I /still/ can't get rid of...I don't...How...?  Who would want to...?  And why now?  I mean, I just found him again, and some guy just...I just got back from the hospital a little while ago, and...It...doesn't look good.  I don't want him to...I /need/ him, he's my big brother, and...he's always been there.  I don't...I don't know what I'd do without him, I mean...Oh, God, please...Just...just let him be okay, please...I need him to be okay... 

Alright, so I was just kinda poking around on-line the other day, and I found this.  Well, re-found it, really.  I meant to post it to Facebook way back when, but I just never got around to it.  So now it's kind of out of date, since it's about partly what was going on in my head when I was in that two-week coma.  But still.  Just felt like sharing.  Since, like I said, I was meaning to post it when it was relevant anyway, and I'm sure not all of you have seen it.

It's a comic, first of all.  I didn't do it; I don't have that kind of artistic ability; my first attempt at drawing the future was just stick figures.  But this was done by a really good artist, and it's part of the 9th Wonders stuff, so make of that what you will.

 

Okay, so now I'm confused.  I mean, I trust Hiro - he's definitely a good guy, and I know he wouldn't steer me wrong intentionally, but on the other hand he's telling me that Adam wants to set the virus loose!  We were there to /destroy/ it, not spread it.  I really don't want to have to go against Hiro on this, but...I mean, I know he's pissed at the guy because he killed his father, and I understand that, really.  But...why would Adam want to spread the virus?  That makes no sense; what would he stand to gain from it?  That being said, I'm starting to doubt him a little.  I mean, there was no reason to kill that woman, no matter what he said.  I mean, I think she was a little paranoid, sure, and yeah, it did look like she was going to shoot me in the head if he didn't do something.  But was killing her really the only option?  And what was she talking about, him killing all the founders of the Company?

Speaking of the Company, I've had a few revelations that I'm not really sure how to process.  Apparently my parents were involved in it.  And in the creation of the virus...which is another thing I find it hard to believe.  I mean, I know my mother told Nathan and me that she and her father and some of their friends were involved in something that she regretted...maybe this is it?  I guess it makes sense...It would explain why she was so adamant in the future that I destroy it...

So it all comes back to the virus.  And Caitlin.  I'm doing this for the world, sure.  But I'm also doing this for her; if I can stop the virus, then maybe I can actually figure out how to go back to the future and bring her back.  I'm so close, I can feel it, but I just can't...make it click.  I hope she's alright...